dog eat god

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6/15/03---12:53 AM

Last night I drove through the part of downtown Oakland I love and found myself pointed in the direction of the Ruby Room. In that bar I had my last good drunk and one night stand with a guy who was the Japanese version of a Nick Cave fan. I wanted that drink, that cigarette. How much I wanted it, how I wanted the drama. How I was allowed at least one relapse and if I relapse I better make it a good one. I went to a meeting instead. It helps, but this morning I still want. Give me an anesthetic, please.

H. is lying here with his arm around me and the dog. First thing in the morning he tells me he loves me and I have never felt so lonely in my life.

They tell us that addiction is incurable. I will have to go to meetings and think of myself as an addict for the rest of my life. I will never be able to have a drink or a pill. They also say, for they are full of cliches, the hardest thing to deal with is normal.

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