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8/15/03---7:22 PM
UCSF comprehensive cancer center. next to a woman my age huddled under blanket, first chemo appointment she says. god how awful what says in my head. she doesn't look scared just sick. and we meet the young doctor who nods her sympathy head and tells S. , so sorry her mother, her sister died of young cancer. a prophylactic bilateral masectomy is indicated. i want to scream is indicated. distance of medical lingo. i know how to ask the questions take the notes, i have been there in that chair, holding breath, having to think to keep breathing.
another life. half moon bay, both of us still committed. breast tissue biopsy negative cervial copolsocopy negative. didn't know that years later cancer would be the word to us. i see us sitting in her truck a few hours ago. what the fuck happened to us. we used to drink, fuck until blind, snort coke and smoke throats raw. everything was passion. here we old, a terrible thing, still the same people. how do i know? we still are laughing at my bad jokes. it is hard to put words to it, the way i feel. but lately that is how i feel about everything, oh misery played for its dramatic effect. i love everything about you, you know. life is good. it is still summer, we have holy insurance. we are healthy. i don't understand.
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