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9/11/03---7:49 AM
This more the start of the new year then later when it is dull and cold. S. having the new baby, they are thinking Frankie. Her face looks peaceful finally, I try to reassure her that it won't hurt and that from my uterus-less body. I am looking forward to seeming the small person. And the way that he puts his sticky fingers on my arm, casually, and sings these strange songs and makes me feel sad about my childhood and charmed. They say he has asperger's, what does that mean? Don't we all have some kind of syndrome? It is like creating a need so you can create a cure that people have to buy later. And then my friend asks me if I will take her child if something happens to her. I can't I say, how could you ask me this. Another thing to make me feel I am not good enough. I will never be a mother, she said. And then how I keep telling myself it is ok to watch a movie in the middle of the afternoon, read a book, take a nap, walk the sad dogs at the animal shelter. I have no aspirations, I am tired all the time. This is the hardest part of of recovering. My body is sick all the time. I worry it will come back in another place. There is no guarantee that he will love me forever and there is no guarantee that it will never come back but one year ago I started over.
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