dog eat god

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10/19/03---7:35 AM

December. 1992. I am leaving Los Angeles, leaving the circus. Small bag packed. How did I pack everything owned in one small suitcase? One plane ticket to New York City. One ticket for the Zephyr. On route I choose to follow the trail of pioneers, gold prospectors and the Pony Express. It begins to snow. Three hour wait in Salt Lake City. Mountain passes. The earliest Transcontinental Route. I have a cold.

The other path. New York City. Work with Uma at the Big Apple Circus. We were up all night in the laundry room with confessions and plans and circus costumes. She promised the job I coveted while wiping tables and serving coffee in the kitchen of a French circus. I had a plane ticket LAX to JFK.

Now the boy that I used to love tries to convince me to go back to that moment I decided to end and start the journey in Denver Colorado. The day I gave up being a roustabout in a New York circus. He tries to convince me I can make a circus film. He has faith that I have good ideas, would be a good director. He has more faith in me then I have in myself. What happened to my faith?

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