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11/10/2003---5:44 PM
Maybe it will help if we talk things out, maybe it won’t. Who knows. I don’t know, I have been so sick this last year. Someone asked if I was relieved that you were ok. At first I don’t think I felt anything, surprise or relief. After all that worrying it seems anti-climatic that you survived going to the bottom and have a job and a place to live. That is what I wanted to happen. Should I be relieved that my ex-husband didn’t kill himself? Should I be happy that my ex-friend personally invited and apologized for dropping out when I needed him, should I be glad that I didn’t have cancer worse and die. Why do I go to the gym everyday, why do I eat brown rice, go to acupuncture, try to stave unhealthiness. I don’t feel much of anything these days except anger and sadness and boredom. Maybe I am used up and tired, maybe it is the Zoloft. I don’t really know much about myself at this point. I am kind of on automatic pilot, except that without drugs life is pretty unbearable most of the time.
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